Homemade Pizza – Trailer Trash Style

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Homemade Pizza – Trailer Trash Style

 

So you want to make your own homemade pizza at home but were too afraid to try.  Well I have the easiest recipe even the novice of novices can follow.

You’ll first need to crack open a bottle of Jack Daniels and a 2 litre of Coke.  Once you’ve made your drink, you’ll want to get the following ingredients.

 

The Sauce

1 12oz can of Tomato Paste

2 Tbs Crushed Garlic

2 Tbs Sugay

Italian spices of choice

Dash of Olive Oil

 

Step One:  Take a drink and wash your can of tomato paste well under water to avoid getting any contaminants that may be on that can in your food.

Step Two:  Put all the above ingredients into a small saucepan and cook on low heat – about 4 – 5 minutes just to release the flavors and cook the garlic up.  If your loved ones still don’t shut the fuck up about your drinking, you can always replace the Italian spices with the stash of pot you stole from your neighbors and add to the sauce to ease these mother fuckers down.

Step Three:  Take another drink and let that shit cool!  Fucking easy, right?   If you think so, take another drink and threaten one of your family members with starvation if they don’t pat you on the back, then have another drink.

 

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The Dough

 

1/2 Stick of real butter.  None of that fake shit people!

2 Tbs Garlic

1 Tbs Olive Oil

Pepper

 

Step One:  Take a drink and put all the ingredients in a saucepan on medium heat and let it simmer and brown the garlic a little bit, but do not burn or scorch the butter.

Step Two:  Turn off the stove, pour yourself another drink and let that shit cool!

Step Three:  Make more drinks.  You can make more drinks if you allow the sauce and butter to cool in room temperature and you can drown out the pleas from your family to seek help for alcoholism by screaming “LA LA LA LA LA LA – Do you fuckers want to eat?”, or you could just put that shit in the freezer for a few minutes.

 

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1 Package active dry yeast

1 cup water (distilled or boiled) at 110 degrees

1 Tbs sugar

2.5 Cups Bread Flour

1 – 2 cups Parmesan cheese

1 tsp salt if you desire salt in your bread

Butter Mixture you made in the prior step.

1 Kitchen Aid Mixer unless your drunk ass feels like mixing this shit by hand

1 18″ pizza stone

 

Step One:  Add the water, sugar and yeast to the mixing bowl and let sit for 7 – 10 minutes.

 

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Step Two:  This is the most important part.  Unless you have minions or a significant other that is going to clean up the mess, do not, I repeat, DO NOT make a mother fucking mess because that shit is going to sit there till you sober up.

Step Three:  Very carefully add the flour, Parmesan Cheese, and the butter mixture.

Step Four:  Mix on the lowest setting to drown out the cries for you to stop drinking as you drink from your plastic cup of Jack Daniels.  Professional alcoholics would have quit mixing by now and would not need instructions to pour yourself another drink if it’s empty.

Step Five:  Once the dough is no longer sticking to the side of the mixing bowl and solid enough to form, stop mixing and put it on the pizza stone and let rest for five to ten minutes.

 

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Step Six:  Carefully roll the dough out on the pizza stone till its evenly spread across the whole stone.  Once you are finished, fold 1/2 the dough back and sprinkle cornmeal at the bottom, and then fold back and fold the other half over and sprinkle more cornmeal at the bottom.

 

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Step Seven:  Take another drink, that was mother fucking exhausting.

 

The Pizza

 

Step Zero:  Preheat your oven to 450 degrees and make sure you have a rack in the center of the oven for even cooking

 

The Toppings

Pepperoni

Diced Ham

Diced Onion

Mushrooms

Ground Sausage (cooked)

Mozzarella Cheese

Parmesan Cheese

 

Step One:  Put all of your pizza sauce on the dough and spread evenly with a spatula.

 

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Step Two:  Sprinkle a little Parmesan Cheese, and the sprinkle some Mozzarella Cheese on to the pizza leaving a ring around the edge of the pizza.

 

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Thank god it was the camera that was fuzzy and not your god damn vision..

 

Step Three:  Carefully add the pepperoni into a circular motion around the edge until you get to the center of the pizza.

 

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Step Four:  Take a drink or three, holy shit, what do these starving fuckers want from me??

Step Five:  Sprinkle the diced ham around the pizza

 

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Step Six:  Sprinkle a little Parmesan cheese on the everything but the edge.  Wish to whatever god that exists that family of yours would shut the fuck up.  Seriously now, you’re doing your best not to burn yourself stumbling around the kitchen.

Step Seven:  Sprinkle on the ground sausage (cooked)

Step Eight:  Sprinkle the onion around the pizza and place the mushrooms neatly on the pizza making sure you’ll leave about two to three mushrooms on each slice.

 

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Step Nine:  Sprinkle with Mozzarella cheese generously and top off with Parmesan cheese.

 

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Step Ten:  If you don’t like the mother fucking toppings, replace with what you’d like, but I’d suggest you don’t add more toppings than six toppings.

Step Eleven:  Place the pizza on the middle rack and close the oven door and set some timer to wake your drunk ass up in about 22 minutes and 30 seconds.

 

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Step Twelve:  Pour yourself a drink and yell hysterically at everyone around you to shut the fuck up.  If they don’t shut the fuck up, now is the time to threaten them with physical violence so you can now “enjoy your first drink”.

 

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Now the best part.  While your starving family is feasting on the homemade pizza, you can pour yourself a drink and pat yourself on the back that you used that stash of shit you stole from your neighbors that you’ll be sitting in pure peace while these mother fuckers are sitting there staring at any light source going “WHOA”.

Mission Accomplished!

 

Lucy Fer

Author

Lucy Fer

I am the abused stepchild of the almighty god in heaven. After countless years of abuse, I fought for my emancipation from the dead beat dad himself, and to this day I fight to protect the rest of his creation from his unending torment.

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